His First Thank You (Updated)

 We have a child in our program who is very angry.  In fact, he tells us almost every day how angry he is.  He is angry because his siblings get all the attention, because we will only help him with his homework and not do it for him, because he doesn't want to do homework, and because we won't let him scream at or hit his sister.  Danny takes incredible patience to work with, because his most common reaction is to scream at the staff person who is helping him.  If he is not actively yelling, he is generally at least being rude.

We have been working very hard with Danny to help him name and manage his feelings.  We explain over and over that he can be angry and we understand that he is angry, but he cannot be rude or yell at people.  He usually responds by shouting, "But I'm angry!"

One of the tools that we've used for him is something I developed in my classroom and call a "feelings paper."  The kids can mark what they're feeling - everything from frustrated to angry to excited to happy to sad to nervous - and sometimes they choose all of the feelings.  Danny gave me a feelings paper at least once a day, maybe more, EVERY DAY for the first few months of this school year.  All of them said he was angry.  Usually in big, bold, capital letters.

I have been so proud of my young staff.  Although they are mostly in high school, they do not lose their tempers with him.  It's actually almost unbelievable how calm they are.  He yells at them and they respond politely.  He throws papers at them and they don't react.  They are continually patient and kind, far after many professional teachers would have lost their cool.  I think they really do understand that he's having a hard time and needs kindness modeled to him.

It's hard for any of us to believe that we are getting anywhere when children are this upset all the time.  So it felt pretty incredible to everyone when one of the staff got this card.  We have never heard Danny say thank you in any way.  We have never heard him acknowledge that we help him.  This was a wonderful sign that he does know, deep down, that we love him and we want him to succeed.  It is also a powerful testament to my staff for remaining calm and kind and truly showing Danny the love of God.

UPDATE: Since I've written this, there has been an incredible turnaround in Danny.  Many of the staff have commented that he "seems like a normal kid now."  What they mean by that is that he is not furious all the time.  He's no angel, but he is spending time playing instead of screaming, doing his homework most of the time, and usually not being rude to people.  When he is rude, if you pull him aside and talk to him, there's much less yelling and much more of a conversation.  He smiles a lot.  He takes compliments.  He usually doesn't hit his sister at Harbor House any more, and he uses the words "please" and "thank you."  He looks happy a lot of the time.  This is a complete turnaround.

Our Faithful Tutors

As the majority of our staff are teenagers and in high school, we try to help them be successful as they help our younger students.  This hep manifests itself in a number of ways, from parental nagging and instruction about homework and deadlines (some of them have parents who can't or are unable to do these things) to hands-on help with specific subjects.

For the latter part, we have a small army of wonderful, dedicated tutors.  They are friends or church members who have been recruited - many retired or with grown children so have a little more free time.  They help mainly with math but have stepped in with other subjects as well.  

Being teenagers, the students getting tutoring do not always have the best follow-through rate.  They want and appreciate the help, but things come up.  Parents schedule family dinners, students don't feel well, they forget their backpacks or other materials, or they decide at the last minute that they can do their homework themselves.  Whenever this happens, I talk to them about how the tutors have taken time out of their schedule and it's unfair to stand them up - sometimes these talks help, and sometimes they don't, but I think it's a learning process to see how your actions affect someone else, and we are all constantly learning.

At one point, I was emailing with some of our newer tutors who were deciding if we had a need for them.  When all of our students who said they needed help actually showed up, we definitely needed all the tutors.  When one or more came unprepared or not at all, we had tutors doubled up or sometimes sitting around.  I always felt bad for the tutors who weren't being fully utilized and hoped they didn't feel like we were wasting their time.  I emailed one of them and she wrote back:

To some degree we tutors are demonstrating to the staff the faithfulness of God. We can be there every week whether the staff is there or not. We can even faithfully be there on those days that the staff says they will be there and then does not arrive. This is especially important for young people who have not experienced that same dependability and faithfulness in their own families. From what you have mentioned, I suspect that Harbor House is that safe place, that dependable place for many of these young people. It is an honor for my husband and me to be included.

That is a beautiful sentiment.  I am so grateful for them and their faithfulness.  I do think that the staff will see their faithfulness, in retrospect if not now. And I hope it will reflect to them, how faithful God is.

His Safe Place

I went to pick up our students from school to walk them to Harbor House on Monday, the first day after Christmas break.  When the bell rang, "Jose" ran away from his classroom and straight at me.  "I missed you so much!!!" He shouted this and ran to me with his arms open wide, hugging me as hard as he could.

Jose is six years old and has a beautiful, kind, loving heart.  He also has a pretty hard life in a lot of ways.  His mom has four children: Jose, his 7-year old sister, his 11-year old brother, and his 14-year old sister.  Their mother, Val, suffers from chronic illness and is a single mother.  She works as a security guard, outside, in the cold and on her feet.  She is understandably exhausted.  The 14-year old picks up a lot of the parenting responsibilities, which is hard for everyone involved.

Jose had a very challenging year last year, both in class and with us.  We had to have him take breaks from our after-school program a few times because he ran into the street and behaved in other ways that were very unsafe.  Every time he came back, he would apologize profusely and be very remorseful, and then do the exact same thing.  His teacher was extremely frustrated with him and told me about it in detail every time I met with her.

This year, Jose is calming down soon and definitely trying as hard as he can.  He still has some issues, and we worked with the wonderful counselor at his school to give him services when he told me that sometimes he wants to be friends with someone but his brain tells him to bite them instead. . The counselor is, fortunately, a huge fan of Jose and loves working with him.  If you've ever wondered if approval makes a difference for a child, I told him yesterday that i had talked to his counselor and the counselor said, "He's such a nice boy."  Jose beamed like it was Christmas.

I am very optimistic about Jose's future, partly because he has so many people on his side, and partly because we are starting interventions so early.  Don't get me wrong, it is hard to be him.  And I think it's very hard to be his mother much of the time.  But she texted me last night and said, "Thank God for ppl like you and all hh staff with not only professionalism but passion and knowledge of understanding human nature and children's view."  She knows we will support her, we will love, support, correct, and praise her child, and that we are available to help find additional resources like counseling.  Jose doesn't sleep well or enough hours and often goes to the couch outside the offices at Harbor House to take a nap.  He literally eats, sleeps, plays, learns, and works at Harbor House, and that makes it very much of a home for him.

Like anyone else, I was a little reluctant to come back to work after Christmas vacation, but when I saw Jose's face light up and saw him run to me with his outstretched arms, I was reminded of how safe he feels with us and how long vacation must have felt for him without his safe place.  He's so happy to be back and we're so glad to have him.

Planning Ahead

 Meet "Russell."  Russell is now a fourth-grader in our program and speaks Cantonese better than anyone else in the program, including staff.  This makes Russell very useful to us, as we have several families with parents who speak only Cantonese or mostly Cantonese with very limited English.  As he is also a very helpful child, he is always willing to jump in and translate when necessary.  He has helped me explain to one parent that our program is full, to another that we had food she could take home, and I stationed him at our "Adopt A Family" table to explain how the program works and how people could sign up for their kids to get presents at Christmas time.One of the mothers who speaks mostly Cantonese told me "His Chinese very good!"  Of course, his favorite thing to translate is when he gets to tell on his little sister, but that's just human nature.

Not too long ago, Russell asked if he could talk to me.  He seemed a little nervous and said he had something important to ask me. He continued, "Bronwyn, I know this is a long time from now, but when I'm in high school... do you think you would maybe hire me?"

It was asked seriously so I responded in kind.  I said, "Well, Russell, you know, I have to interview applicants and you'd have to fill out an application.  But the things I look for are responsibility and hard work and working well with people, so I think you'd have a good chance.  And you already translate for me, so that's been really helpful.  I can't promise you anything, but I think you seem like you'd be a great employee."

He looked incredibly relieved and said he'd apply when he was in ninth grade.  I'd love to have him as an employee.

Partners in Giving

At Harbor House, we are largely funded by private donations.  Consequently, we have fundraising events and demonstrate to donors that we are, in fact, a worthy recipient of their gift.  In fact, one purpose of this blog is so donors can see the impact they are making every day.   I think that transparency is good for the donors.  I also think it's good for the kids of Harbor House to know that these donations allow us to pay for everything, in spite of several people asking if we "shielded" the kids and interns from knowing that people donated to them, as it may reinforce the kids' sense of inequity. 

Practically, it would be hard to conceal:  we bring donors through on tours frequently and children (just like the rest of us) are curious about the people walking through their program.  But it's a conscious choice, not an expedient one.  We do not shield them, we celebrate the donations and use them as examples. I have seen incredible responses from the children when they know that complete strangers want them to have a good program.  The idea that other people, most of whom haven't met them, would like to help them out, thrills them.  Let me explain:

Announcements happen right before devotion time and some of my favorite announcements are about fundraisers and donations.  We talk a lot about all being part of God's family, whether we are related by blood or not. They love to hear of creative ways people help us: supplying cakes for the cakewalk at our carnival, bringing volunteers to clean the house and provide snack, setting up and paying for field trips, tutoring kids right here, and raising money for everything we need.  And the kids are good at thinking of what takes money! When I asked them, the list included "water to flush the toilets, snack you buy us, paying the interns, pencils, field trips, phones to call our parents..." and on and on. 

A recent announcement was fun to share with the kids.  One of our volunteers whom the kids know and love chose to include a request for donations to Harbor House on his wedding registry.  I first explained what a wedding registry is, and then how he and his wife are passing up some extra presents so that people will donate to Harbor House instead.  The kids thought that was amazing and so incredibly generous.  

 But our kids are not only the recipients of generosity.  Although they are primarily low-income, they are themselves very generous people.  They have great hearts and  love to share (most of the time - they are still children) and help each other out.  I have seen countless examples of kids giving pencils or toys to each other, or choosing a prize and passing up their first choice so someone else can have it.  In addition, when we pray for people who have had something difficult happen, the kids often ask if they can make a card or picture for that person.

And that is another reason why I think it is good for the kids to see the generosity that they receive, so they reflect it in their own lives.

A Faithful Partner

Every month, Harbor House gets a small check from a World War II veteran with a note saying that he's sorry he can't give more, but he's on a fixed income.  He adds that he's praying for us and wishes us the best.

We invited Gene to come talk to our older students and, much to our excitement, he accepted.  He told the kids about being a paratrooper jumping out of a plane into France on D-Day.  Although they have little knowledge of World War II, they got the idea of what he was telling them and asked questions like if he was scared, if he missed his family, and if he knew people who died (his answer was yes to all three questions).  He showed them a piece of his parachute, which he had kept, and pointed out the bullet hole in it.

The kids saw a picture of American soldiers that had captured a Nazi flag and recognized the symbol on it immediately.  Although they had very little idea of what the Nazi party actually was, they knew that the symbol on the flag was a symbol of hatred and racism and they asked about that.  Gene explained to them that there is no glory in war but that it was necessary to stop a greater evil.

Gene didn't tell us how old he was, but most of these kids' grandparents weren't old enough to be in World War II.  It was an invaluable experience for them to be able to talk to Gene and find out about his, and our country's, history.  

Saving the World

I started the training for my school year staff this evening by taking them out to dinner.  I think very highly of my mostly teenage staff, and believe they have one of the most important jobs around.  A favorite moment from the summer was at our staff barbecue when I had the chance to offer affirmations about each one of them.  I am so privileged to work with and direct these young adults, who stand out in their dedication to helping children.

I have never seen another group like the one at Harbor House.  Oakland is extremely diverse, but in my experience, people tend to stay with their group.  When I was teaching, the third graders were so used to being separated by language and ethnicity that an African American boy punched a Mexican American boy in the nose on the first day of school, saying "He ain't supposed to be in my class."  Teachers were constantly on the lookout for racial tensions, not just between students but also between parents and even teachers.  Some students had friends of a different ethnicity, but they were the exceptions and not the rule.

At Harbor House, the kids all play and learn together, and rarely do I see any form of racial tension.  I attribute most of this success to our staff.  This summer, our staff included young adults whose families come from Mexico, Cambodia, Jamaica, the Philippines, Thailand, Laos, Japan, Burma.  We also had staff who are white, black, and Native and have been in the United States for long enough to make it hard to trace their roots further, as well as biracial staff in any combination you can imagine

.  They were also extremely diverse socioeconomically.  We have teenagers who had been and are currently homeless, staff who share a bedroom with way too many family members, and people who live in very nice houses in tony suburbs.  We have some who went to elite private schools, some who went to enviable public schools, and some who went to schools that I wouldn't want to teach at.  

And they are all equals.  They have their squabbles and their tensions but none of it is about race and none of it is about inequality.  They work together and, even more importantly, they treat all the kids fairly.

School teachers receive a variety of professional development trainings on multiculturalism and race relations.  And yet, I've watched teachers yell at a male black student for running in the hall and then talk sweetly to the Asian female doing the same thing.  I've seen teachers try to trade black students for Pacific Islanders because "they listen and have respect."  Although these young interns have had only a brief workshop I offered at Harbor House, they didn't have these problems.  

I'm not saying that having a teenage staff is always easy, and I take their training seriously.  But in these ways, they have astounded me over and over.  I have never once seen one of my interns give preferential treatment to a student of their own ethnicity.  I have never once seen one of them treat a parent differently because of their race.  Our kids are learning from that example.

It's been a rough time in America lately for race relations.  Really, when has it not been?  But I firmly believe what I told my staff on the last day. They are saving the world.  Not all at once, and not the whole world, but these are the kinds of relationships and respect that I think will save us.